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It has been a year since we stop dating. He, the commitment-hesitant, self-centered, easy-way-out ex of mine.
I can rationalize my way out of a lot of things. I’m logical, overly emotional but cognitive to a fault. I know that so many things were lacking in our “relationship”, I know that I quieted my own needs to an unhealthy level, I know that I deserve someone who doesn’t just look at me and say “I guess she’ll do.” I’ve accepted that our fate has been written and that we are not meant to be together; and still this voice in my head wonders - “why wasn’t it me?” and all the rationalization in the world can’t shut it up.
One Sunday I got my answer in the strangest of ways. I was knee-deep in an American TV series (yeah you are damn right, Sex and the City) that had lasted all weekend. I was finishing disc 3 of Season 2 when I watched an episode that tugged at my heart so much so that I’m almost ashamed to admit it. In the episode, Carrie is struggling to make peace with the fact that - after two years of dating Big, he has moved on and is engaged to someone he has only dated for 5 months.
Eventually Carrie confronts Big, and asks him the question that she believes will help her move on –why wasn’t it me? “I don’t know,” Big says. “It just got so hard.” And Carrie has her answer.
When did we decide that relationships shouldn’t be hard, I wonder. When this guy and I broke up, one good friend imparted her wisdom to me. “Things were just too hard, too complicated. Love shouldn’t be that way, and it’s better that you guys aren’t together,” she said with certainty. Though I am pretty sure she had the best of intentions, I’m also pretty sure that’s bullshit.
Take a peek into the dating world and you’ll see men, everywhere, who want to put as “little” into a relationship as possible. Men who want things easy and uncomplicated, with an extra dose of sexual chemistry and very little responsibility. I’m not saying that all men are like this, or that some women aren’t either. But I’ve met countless men who are afraid of the hard work it takes to be in a great relationship.
The episode ends with Carrie’s conclusion: “Then I had a thought. Maybe I didn’t break Big. Maybe the problem was, he couldn’t break me. Maybe some women aren’t meant to be tamed. Maybe they need to run free, until they find someone just as wild to run with.”
I move on, wild and untamed. Maybe someday I will find someone with the strength to catch me.
Got this from a blogger under the pseudonym “Spring Break”. I think she’s brilliant so I’m sharing her thoughts with you girls and boys. Happy reading, and Happy <3 day to all of you! :)
